leave the gun, take the tuna melt

being a wannabe foodie and fast/fast casual/frozen food connoisseur, i truly enjoy trying out new ways through which i can stuff my face. one of these ways - recently discovered through my pal kari - is a site called foodler , that allows you to place your order from a number of local eateries - sometimes even offering free delivery!

anyways, being tired from a late night out on saturday and feeling generally lazy, it was going to be a foodler dinner night on sunday. i read good things about neapoli cafe in nearby malden, so i clicked through to the menu, not knowing quite what i was in the mood for. and there, like a shining beacon of light at the top of the sandwich section, i saw it: "tuna melt w/ tomato sandwich". YES! food epiphany. unfortunately, my total, minus tax, came to a precarious 9.98 - there was a $10 minimum. i needed to add something. naturally, my first instinct (as is everyone's when thinking about what would be good on a tuna sandwich) is "artichokes". obviously. CLEARLY. my weird food preferences aside, i had hit the almighty $10 and all i had to do was click "finish order". bam. done. cut to a half-hour later...

i receive an ominous call from the delivery man, whom i could not understand in the SLIGHTEST due to the language barrier going on. however, my apartment's 3rd-floor location and living room's view onto the street below has turned me into a veritable christopher reeve in "rear window", so i was totally lurkin', and saw no car, so i assumed he said something like "your food's on its way". which was weird, but i went with it.

a half-hour later, a starving me, and STILL no tuna melt, and i called ol' neapoli to inquire about my food. "he's right here," the man who answered said, "he said he called you and had left it at your door." "um, he just left it there?" "yes." "uh, okay....". i hang up and trot down the stairs to find a brown paper bag, teetering on the edge of the window sill on my enclosed front porch. what the frig? despite my instructions to, y'know, RING THE DOORBELL, dude decided to just drop it like it's, um, hot, and make a mad dash. i can only assume he had a severe artichoke allergy or encountered the raccoons that have taken up residence in our 'hood. the worst part? i HATE mayonnaise, but can deal with it in tuna if the fish/mayo ratio is in check - always a risk when ordering from a random place. let's put it this way...thing was a friggin' mayonnaise melt. i threw up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about it. i should have known it was doomed from the start, but i only wish i could have pulled a "home alone" and sneered, "keep the change, ya filthy animal" before mr. runaway made his swift exit.