should've swiped left: a collection of tinder haikus

happy v-day! i've been thinking about my experiences over the past year or so that i've spent on tinder, and figured that i should memorialize my weirdest dates from the infamous app via haiku. please feel free to contribute your own in the comments. also, i received a message this morning which read "are you going to be a snow angel for the blizzard?" oof.

p.s. the above image is from an amazing tumblr, tinder messages on valentines. 


#1

We met for coffee
I ended up in your loft
The old bait-and-switch


#2

You were from Quebec
Drinks, dessert, Eurotrash club
And lots of groping


#3

Violin maker
And a nursing school drop-out
Argued against weed

#4

Still in the closet
You loved the barkeep's bow tie
We got the same drink

#5

Snobby southern boy
Your disdain was palpable
But you liked good bands


#6

A finance fellow
Loved to sing acapella
Acapella sucks

okstupid.

for some totally unknown reason, i resurrected my okcupid profile (okay, it may have been because despite disabling my account, i was still getting messages about my bangs which don't exist anymore, and it was pissin' me off). and within a week of gettin' back on the horse, i'm reminded of just what i hated about it in the first place. that's not to say that some of the messages are INCREDIBLY amusing, however...here are some select gems:

"how u doing? I'll be abouts in boston next week. Thought we could hang out and u could take me dance if u please"

"Beautiful, useless trivia, car rapping! Wow, perfect! Wait... sister act 2.....Really?"

"Never heard anyone call someone a toolbag Lol hit me up if u wanna chat my name is ___"

(The following 3 are all from the same dude):

"Do you have two quarters? My mom wanted me to call her when I fell in love"

my response: "...you mean you don't have a cell phone?!"

"No I do, but I'm just feeling crappy b/c you never called me yet :P xxx.xxx.xxxx Lol"

(after I didn't respond):

"Call me, dickhead :P"

REALLY?!

....i need to write a book.

from the dating trenches...

as the only young & single member of my department at work, my slightly older, engaged/married/otherwise attached colleagues get endless entertainment from the horror stories that make up my dating life. i've regaled them with tales of dates with pirates (more accurately: a guy that texted me the day before our first meeting with "ahoyy", then invited me to meet for a drink at a nice restaurant at 6pm and proceeded to say he "wasn't hungry". but i digress), a gorgeous man with a gorgeous name who stood me up and then misdirected a text meant for a friend to me - saying "totally stood up"), and embarrassingly AWFUL match.com emails like the one i'm about to present you with.

unfortunately - or maybe fortunately for me - many of these numbskulls have no clue who they're dealing with when they send a lame-o email or use pirate-speak in casual conversation. i'll blog about yo' ass. and now, i give you...perhaps the worst online dating email of all time.

I'm _____.

It'd be nice to talk to you and see whats up ? 

I play guitar adn play out at times here n there . I write , I cook and travel, even if its on ly a couple towns away to walk around. I am working on a blue print on a music and arts resturant. I Work in collections at the moment but I‘m a Cook and a Musician... But watch your sears ,credit one or walmart credit if you have them lol i might have to call one day. I talk to all kinds of people around the states . I'm all over the place with music ,art and historic places. 

I 'm very comfortable with myself and my thoughts and i'm openminded. I drive, skate, ride, make and play music. Never really thought to much about the online dating thing.. but im outgoing,extremely driven and looking to have fun and live life w/ someone and see where it leads us . ttyl ____


IS THIS REAL LIFE? a few things here stood out to me, atrocious spelling and grammar aside: 

• I play guitar adn play out at times here n there. shows? in the park? at the stop and shop on wednesdays? 
  
• dude, i love to travel too, but let's not kid ourselves: driving to downtown salem and wandering doesn't really fit the bill.
• what is a "music and arts restaurant"? french fries shaped like treble clefs? 
• sears and wal-mart credit cards, LOOK OUT! thanks for reminding me that i'm delinquent on my payments for those 12-packs of sam's choice cola.
• I'm all over the place with music ,art and historic places.  i can't even.
• bonus points for the random capitalization. did you know that "Work", Cook", and "Musician" are all proper nouns, and wal-mart and sears are not?! the more you know...

feel free to share your own horror stories. i can't be the only one.