Tuesday, June 29, 2010

it's a situation

when i sat down one fateful night last year to watch some reality show called "jersey shore", i wasn't expecting much. guidos and guidettes, uber tans and jagerbombs...i see as much on the north shore every weekend. little prepared me for the attachment i would soon develop to snooki, vinny, ronnie, sammie, jwoww, pauly d, and my favorite...a man that called himself "the situation". one of his opening lines was, "everybody loves the situation. and if you don't love the situation, i'm gonna make you love the situation." pure poetry. he then continued to woo me with gems like "pauly immediately fled the scene and left me in harm's way. i was takin' heavy fire", and when he referred to an unfortunate-looking bimbo as a "grenade" and her heavy-set friend as a "grenade launcher" i knew it was the beginning of a beautiful thing.

as luck would have it, my ever-so-fabulous hairdresser mentioned earlier in the spring that my favorite reality star would be appearing at some point in the area in june. turns out it was at rain, my new favorite nightclub attached to a bowling alley in malden, approximately 3 miles from my house. naturally, this was a priority. i brought along kari, my dear former roommate from my freshman year of  college, who loves the situation as much as i. while it was a long wait (staked out at 9pm, he didn't show up til after 12 - that's dedication) the fantastic pictures were oh-so-worth it. 

he shook hands with us (twice!), fist-pumped, drank what looked like a screwdriver, and even flashed his abs for the squealing girls in the crowd. it was, to put it mildly, a situation and a half. when the night was over, i gleefully speculated that someday, i'll fondly tell my grandchildren about meeting the man, the myth....the situation. 

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

from the dating trenches...

as the only young & single member of my department at work, my slightly older, engaged/married/otherwise attached colleagues get endless entertainment from the horror stories that make up my dating life. i've regaled them with tales of dates with pirates (more accurately: a guy that texted me the day before our first meeting with "ahoyy", then invited me to meet for a drink at a nice restaurant at 6pm and proceeded to say he "wasn't hungry". but i digress), a gorgeous man with a gorgeous name who stood me up and then misdirected a text meant for a friend to me - saying "totally stood up"), and embarrassingly AWFUL match.com emails like the one i'm about to present you with.

unfortunately - or maybe fortunately for me - many of these numbskulls have no clue who they're dealing with when they send a lame-o email or use pirate-speak in casual conversation. i'll blog about yo' ass. and now, i give you...perhaps the worst online dating email of all time.
I'm _____.
It'd be nice to talk to you and see whats up ? 

I play guitar adn play out at times here n there . I write , I cook and travel, even if its on ly a couple towns away to walk around. I am working on a blue print on a music and arts resturant. I Work in collections at the moment but I‘m a Cook and a Musician... But watch your sears ,credit one or walmart credit if you have them lol i might have to call one day. I talk to all kinds of people around the states . I'm all over the place with music ,art and historic places. 

I 'm very comfortable with myself and my thoughts and i'm openminded. I drive, skate, ride, make and play music. Never really thought to much about the online dating thing.. but im outgoing,extremely driven and looking to have fun and live life w/ someone and see where it leads us . ttyl ____

IS THIS REAL LIFE? a few things here stood out to me, atrocious spelling and grammar aside: 
  • I play guitar adn play out at times here n there. shows? in the park? at the stop and shop on wednesdays? 
  • dude, i love to travel too, but let's not kid ourselves: driving to downtown salem and wandering doesn't really fit the bill.
  • what is a "music and arts restaurant"? french fries shaped like treble clefs? 
  • sears and wal-mart credit cards, LOOK OUT! thanks for reminding me that i'm delinquent on my payments for those 12-packs of sam's choice cola.
  • I'm all over the place with music ,art and historic places.  i can't even.
  • bonus points for the random capitalization. did you know that "Work", Cook", and "Musician" are all proper nouns, and wal-mart and sears are not?! the more you know...
feel free to share your own horror stories. i can't be the only one. 

Saturday, June 19, 2010

backstreet's back, alright!

summer 1999. i could be found crying in my room at some point because i didn't win tickets to the backstreet boys' sold-out millennium tour on jam'n 94.5. i stayed up day and night to win those tickets; i was a woman possessed. but after being brutally shafted as caller 24 when they were looking for 25, i gave up hope. didn't the pop gods understand how crucial this was to my formative tweenage years? backstreet, o-town, LFO. this was my boy band trifecta (note the omission of hanson....NOT a boy band). frick 'n' frack, the backstreet boys all access video, "the heart and soul of nick carter"...i was intimately familiar with all of these bsb-isms. but i never did see them in concert.

as fate would have it, i would get my chance over 11 (!!!) years later when a pal asked me if i wanted to go see them on their "this is us" tour at mohegan sun in connecticut. as far as i knew, they hadn't released anything since 2005's "never gone", but had apparently churned out two more albums since then. oops! 

regardless, i obviously jumped at the chance to ogle nick carter and mimic the "larger than life" dance that i may or may not still know by heart. and it was a BLAST...minus the absence of dearly departed kevin. i was INCREDIBLY impressed with their singing/dancing skills...i mean, i didn't even think they could sing this well when i was 13, for god sakes. they played stuff that had been buried in the recesses of my brain for god knows how long, but i still knew allll the words: "i'll never break your heart"?! WHOA. but maybe my favorite and most amusing moment came during their new r&b jaaaaam "undone" when nick - lookin' sexy as haaaale - looked like he might be preparing to pass out due to his stylish but impractical scarf and struggled to take it off/awkwardly danced with it. thank god someone captured this...and had a better view than me. not gonna lie...kind of diggin' the song, too.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

i'm livin' life right now, mang

my god, how have i gone this long without blogging about my dear drake/aubrey/wheelchair jimmy?! as many who are close to me know and have witnessed, i have a tendency to randomly interrupt IM/gchat conversations with a drake lyric outburst - "drake tourette's", as i've dubbed it, and i ponder philosophical questions like "would wheelchair jimmy listen to drake?"

let's rewind and pause. for those not in the know, the rapper we all know and love as drake- real name aubrey graham- spent his formative years playing basketball player jimmy on the teen melodrama degrassi. the wheelchair part came when terri's abusive boyfriend rick shot him, but we'll deal with that later (not really). 

the point is that not once during his lengthy degrassi stint did i ever find him remotely attractive. but have him drop a few raunchy lines, drop his first name and pair him up with weezy, and i'm salivating. crazy. now i've got a full-blown drake addiction. combine that with the fact that a new video of something funny happening to him onstage hits youtube seemingly every day (drake falling! drake being flashed and forgetting the words! drake accidentally catching some crazy chick's underwear!) it's really endless entertainment. 

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


i have many addictions that i'm neither proud nor ashamed of. fast food, american idol, men who look like adrien brody....and the bachelor/bachelorette. it is what it is, okay? so i like to plop down on a monday night, chow down on some ben & jerry's and make fun of the inevitably ditzy bachelorette and the clowns that fawn over her. so what? who cares?

this year's chick is bachelor pilot jake's reject (i notoriously loved the much-hated vienna, who he chose instead) and i dislike her as much on her own show as i did on the bachelor. yet i still watch. why? WELL...

there's jesse, the rugged contractor that used a jigsaw to make ali some kind of heart pin-thing...SHUCKS! just adorable. and then...

chris, the WASPy landscaper from the cape. he's not really my type, but he makes me think of summer homes and barbeques and sundresses and wicker chairs, so bonus points for that.

this season's crop is certainly more interesting than most, so i'll be excited to see the trainwreck that will inevitably occur. but first, let's take a moment and rejoice that the two dudes with the creepiest hair are gone:

can i get an amen?!