Saturday, March 7, 2020

the best of: forgotten emails

i listened to an episode of the cut's podcast a couple months ago that was all about the ghosts of inboxes past: ancient emails, both received and sent. this is extremely my shit, obviously, so i went hunting for some gems. feel free to share your own in the comments!


a ridiculously tacky rejection email...

Tue, Jan 5, 2016, 1:06 PM

Hi Kim Windyka,

Thank you for taking the time to talk with me about our Copywriter position. You probably won’t like this news but we’ve got a few candidates who are a better match for the role and we’re confident one of them will find a new home here.

Please keep an eye out for other opportunities as you seem like someone we’d like onboard eventually.

Stay optimistic!


a delightfully random exchange with a total stranger...

Sat, Aug 13, 2011, 10:09 AM


I visited my sister in Portsmouth last week.  One day Amity and her Odd Showroom were featured in the daily newspaper in an article about how she designed a dress for a movie premiere, for the wife of the Cowboys and Aliens director.  Anyway, I went to the Odd Showroom and bought a shirt that day.  Then, this morning I did a quick Amity related Google and came across a blog of yours about how much you like Portsmouth and that you had stopped by her store.  You seem interesting so I thought I'd say hello.  I live in Calabasas, California.  Seems like you live in Florida.  I'm not sure.  I've really only spent about 3 minutes reading your various posts, but you caught my eye.

Aug 13, 2011, 11:21 AM

Hey, Ben!

Indeed, I actually moved to Orlando for grad school just about two weeks ago from Boston (though I'm originally from NH, hence my love for Portsmouth!). If I recall, I think that blog was from a few years back so that's funny that it still showed up! 
That's awesome news about Amity, I haven't been to the store in a couple years now but I always really liked it. What do you do out there in Calabasas?

Sat, Aug 13, 2011, 11:55 AM


Amity's store was a bit of a scene that day since a lot of people were there fresh from reading the paper.
I'm an elementary school teacher.  I don't have a position for the fall.  This morning I'm studying for a test that will hopefully get me placed in a special ed classroom with the district here.
From where I am in Calabasas it is a short drive through the canyon to Malibu and Surfrider beach.  I always see this guy there with Florida plates and occasionally a Florida sweatshirt.  He runs a surfing camp.  He's great with the kids.  So, all summer that is what I think about when I think of Florida. 
What are you up to in grad school?  Do you like Florida so far?

Sat, Aug 13, 2011, 9:45 PM
Very cool, a few of my friends up in Boston are teachers - I could never have the patience!

Classes actually don't start for me until the 22nd so I'm in a bit of a weird limbo since I don't know anyone here yet, so I've just been exploring and trying to enjoy my time off before the work starts! I'll be studying mass communications, though. 

Florida is a total culture shock for sure, but that's mainly why I decided to give it a whirl...I figure now's the time to do something like this and it'll be an adventure if nothing else. I'm a bit homesick for New England but I guess that comes with the territory! 

Wed, Aug 17, 2011, 12:24 AM
I think mass communications is an exciting thing to be doing in grad school... I bet you could end up with some great jobs down the road.

I discovered lots of cool things the last couple hours after first finding out about the comedian Jordan Rubin, and then his podcast, and then an episode with Rob Delaney.  That led to exploring the Tweets they were reading.  I'm suddenly closer to signing up for Twitter.  Listening to the podcast was this interesting flurry of connections in discovering new funny people and funny comments and then hearing that this guy's wife is a teacher, and then all the sudden Twitter was suddenly seeming so funny and viable for me to follow on... So far the only Tweets on my radar over the last several years pretty much have been athlete related.  

Anyway, I remembered that you're on Twitter and I thought of that for a second.  Believe it or not I really didn't look at your Tweets or webpage for more than a few seconds the other day, but seeing stuff you "said" like the Kelly Rowland song Motivation, mentioning mmmbopping the Hanson brother and how he has fiddy kids, and you and your glass of wine jumped right out at me as you being someone with a good attitude!

Good luck working through new Floridaness and New England homesickness... and Have fun!

the sweetest thanks-but-no-thanks from a literary agency (and the very FIRST i ever queried with my work!)

Mon, Aug 11, 2014, 12:53 PM
Dear Kim,

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your work.  We've had a chance to read and discuss [Potential Book Title], and while your stories are funny, clever, and smart, we’re sorry to say that we don't think it is right for us at this time. 

Publishing is a tough business, and the response of any individual agent—or indeed dozens of agents—is not necessarily a comment on the inherent value of the project. Every agent has individual tastes and individual business requirements. We wish you the best of luck in finding the right path to publication.

 a hilarious proposal from a man in his 50s:

Date received: August 08, 2009
Subject: A compliment from DC
I don’t usually write to someone who is so much younger than myself, but you are seemingly much different than the average run of the mill young woman.  

Your feet seem so firmly planted on terra firma. You appear to be bright and cheerful and willing to stick your toe into new and exciting waters. I like curiosity in a person, and of course you are just lovely.

I am a cheerful, fit, fun, thoughtful, and emotionally well adjusted man. I take each day on its own merits. There is always something new to discover and a new path to follow wherever it might lead. I am a curious traveler, an innovative cook, a man whose talents are now given to writing fiction and whose favorite physical activities are tennis, hiking, biking, and gardening. Toss in a trip to a museum, the theater opera and you start to get a clear picture of the man behind the keyboard in cyberspace.

Yes, there is an age gap between us. However, somehow, a little voice tells me that you march to your own drummer; that you might be someone who is inclined toward living her life a little out of the ordinary box and be interested overcoming the great American taboo concerning older/younger friendships.

So...please do review my profile and if the spirit moves you, I'd love to hear back from you.

Ciao bella,


an urgent, very 2010 plea from a friend:

Wed, Jan 27, 2010, 3:45 PM

via a twist of fate, I now have a burned copy of Ke$ha's album.  you need to hear "party at a rich dude's house"

an epic AIM conversation i saved, in which a friend and i were having the time of our lives coming up with roller derby names:

alloverober (1:33:07 PM): Julia Rob-hurts
polkadotpanic (1:33:10 PM): hahahaha
alloverober (1:33:50 PM): are there any guys?
polkadotpanic (1:33:52 PM): nope
alloverober (1:33:53 PM): Bruise Willis
polkadotpanic (1:33:56 PM): hahah
polkadotpanic (1:33:58 PM): i already decided
polkadotpanic (1:34:00 PM): my name
polkadotpanic (1:34:06 PM): will be punchy bruiser
alloverober (1:34:09 PM): haha
alloverober (1:34:11 PM): thats good
alloverober (1:34:40 PM): The Brady Punch
polkadotpanic (1:34:43 PM): hahaha
polkadotpanic (1:34:49 PM): i'm trying to think of a lindsay lohan one
alloverober (1:35:06 PM): Lindsey Lowhands
alloverober (1:35:08 PM): please
polkadotpanic (1:35:08 PM): hahah
alloverober (1:35:13 PM): you're better than that
alloverober (1:35:14 PM): ha
polkadotpanic (1:35:16 PM): true
polkadotpanic (1:35:34 PM): Jennifer Harm-her
alloverober (1:36:44 PM): HA
alloverober (1:37:53 PM): Jessica Elbow
alloverober (1:38:29 PM): Jessical Hell-ba?
polkadotpanic (1:38:45 PM): lol, hmmm yeah that second one works better i think
alloverober (1:40:53 PM): Hit-Me Spears?
polkadotpanic (1:40:56 PM): hahahah
polkadotpanic (1:40:58 PM): yes
alloverober (1:43:01 PM): Bette Hitler
alloverober (1:43:03 PM): haha
alloverober (1:43:04 PM): too far?
polkadotpanic (1:43:06 PM): hahaha
polkadotpanic (1:43:08 PM): lil' bit
alloverober (1:43:52 PM): Dionne War-Wack
polkadotpanic (1:43:56 PM): hahahaha
polkadotpanic (1:43:57 PM): love it
polkadotpanic (1:44:37 PM): Paula Ab-duel
polkadotpanic (1:44:45 PM): though that's hard when it's just spoken
polkadotpanic (1:44:45 PM): haha
polkadotpanic (1:46:02 PM): Pummel-a Anderson
alloverober (1:46:12 PM): NICE!
polkadotpanic (1:46:17 PM): hahaha
polkadotpanic (1:51:22 PM): the best one i read yesterday
polkadotpanic (1:51:29 PM): was "sandra day o'clobber"
alloverober (1:53:14 PM): haha
alloverober (1:53:15 PM): ha
polkadotpanic (1:54:05 PM): so good
polkadotpanic (1:54:23 PM): Kicki Lake
alloverober (1:54:36 PM): haha
alloverober (1:54:43 PM): i was just trying to think of one for her
polkadotpanic (1:54:53 PM): yeah right
polkadotpanic (1:54:53 PM): hahaha
polkadotpanic (1:57:29 PM): Katherine Hata-Jones
alloverober (1:57:42 PM): thats good
polkadotpanic (1:57:42 PM): or Catherine
alloverober (1:57:43 PM): real good
polkadotpanic (1:57:44 PM): whatever it is
polkadotpanic (1:57:48 PM): hahaha
polkadotpanic (1:57:51 PM): i could do this all day
polkadotpanic (1:57:54 PM): and might
polkadotpanic (1:58:22 PM): Florence Fightengale
alloverober (1:58:25 PM): haha
alloverober (1:58:28 PM): haa
alloverober (1:58:34 PM): you've found your calling.
polkadotpanic (1:58:41 PM): i may have.
alloverober (2:00:32 PM): got a meeting
alloverober (2:00:32 PM): but
alloverober (2:00:36 PM): Mary Choppins?
polkadotpanic (2:00:39 PM): hahhaha
polkadotpanic (2:00:40 PM): yes
alloverober (2:19:16 PM): HEY!
alloverober (2:19:18 PM): you there
polkadotpanic (2:19:22 PM): HELLO!
alloverober (2:19:27 PM): Erin Break-a-Bitch
polkadotpanic (2:19:32 PM): hahahahahaha
polkadotpanic (2:19:33 PM): AWESOME
polkadotpanic (2:19:38 PM): OR
polkadotpanic (2:19:44 PM): Clock-a-Bitch
alloverober (2:19:45 PM): Broke?
alloverober (2:19:49 PM): Clock
alloverober (2:19:49 PM): ha
alloverober (2:20:00 PM): send that one to Mikey
polkadotpanic (2:20:01 PM): good stuff
alloverober (2:20:02 PM): he'll love it
polkadotpanic (2:20:18 PM): sent
polkadotpanic (2:20:20 PM): he went to get lunch
polkadotpanic (2:20:26 PM): but he'll enjoy the brilliance when he returns
polkadotpanic (2:24:03 PM): Harmin' San Diego
alloverober (2:24:36 PM): NICE
alloverober (2:25:04 PM): Audrey Floorburns?
polkadotpanic (2:25:21 PM): hahaha
alloverober (2:25:26 PM): team name
alloverober (2:25:31 PM): Third Glock from the Sun
polkadotpanic (2:25:35 PM): hahaha
polkadotpanic (2:25:36 PM): nice
polkadotpanic (2:25:58 PM): The Smacks of Life
alloverober (2:26:15 PM): Groin Pains
alloverober (2:26:15 PM): haha
alloverober (2:26:17 PM): sorry!@
alloverober (2:26:19 PM): sorry!
alloverober (2:26:25 PM): couldnt resist
polkadotpanic (2:26:27 PM): hahahaha
alloverober (2:28:30 PM): Claire Hucks-Tables
polkadotpanic (2:28:35 PM): ahahahha
polkadotpanic (2:28:52 PM): "hate" is an easy one to use
polkadotpanic (2:28:54 PM): hatey perry
alloverober (2:28:57 PM): yeah
alloverober (2:29:03 PM): Hatey Benjamin
alloverober (2:29:04 PM): haha
polkadotpanic (2:29:07 PM): hahaha
polkadotpanic (2:29:14 PM): wait i NEED to find out what her derby name was
polkadotpanic (2:32:47 PM): Hilary Ruff
polkadotpanic (2:35:08 PM): janet hackson

 the best response to my craigslist post looking for a roommate:

Wed, Aug 25, 2010, 10:02 AM
Hi There,

My name is Regina and I'm a Flight attendant for jetblue airways of 5 years. I'm 28 years old. I live at _______ nowin boston. Just left my bf. I work about 15 days a month and gone alot!!!  My hobbies include, passion for skiing as I'm a serious skier and traveller. I spend a lot of time at the gym and runnning. I dont really drink much but may have a glass of wine on occasion. I like to cook as well!!! I'm in a motorcyle club as well and ride my bike whenever possile.  I'm clean and neat and like i said very laid back.  I do have a car and a motorcycle.  If we could work on the rent, since i would be part-time I could offer you guy buddy passes on jetblue as needed!!!  hello...great deal! I'm from KY orginally, and have plenty of refrences. I just broke up with my bf like i said and need to move on.. I;m  a great part-time roomate with not that much stuff, bed night stand tv, and need to get a small dresser and small storage for my ski gear as i ski on all
 on my off days and travel on them too 
Below is my resume for addt. info on me and attached pictures as well.

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